What a horrific event to happen in anyone’s life. The feeling of betrayal is an overwhelming , gaping whole in your heart, and in your mind. I remember blaming myself in the beginning thinking that of had had been better at this, more controlled about that, I would have not had to endure the pain of my husband cheating on me. The truth however was that I was married to a man that always cheated on his relationships. The woman I caught him with was really only the door that opened the reality of my world. He was distant, emotionally abusive, quick to blame me for his shortcomings, twisting circumstances and events to suit his need and justify his behavior. I believed it all. I believed that I was mean, and I was selfish. I believed him when he said that I was destroying everything. The reality was, this was man that was never invested in his marriage or his family. A man that lied to countless women and the sad part was they all believed him.
When I caught my husband, he of course denied his involvement with the woman calling him”baby”. He made up all sorts of excuses, stating that she was no one, she was not important. He cried, he asked for a new marital arrangement that allowed him to cheat, but I could too! He rolled his eyes when I asked if he loved her, and said “that’s what you say to get what you want”. He was taking this woman on trips, while telling me that we couldn’t afford it. He was telling me a week before he was caught how much he loved me. Imagine this is your reality, words you want desperately to believe, but actions that scream an entirely different story.
After the initial fall out of an affair, you lose focus. It is a horrible mind trick wanting to know who the woman is, rather than facing who your spouse is! We want to blame a woman for the actions of your spouse, rather then holding the person that made the commitment accountable. Somehow I think we believe that blaming anyone other than your spouse allows you to stay in the relationship. Why?
Fear.
Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of never finding another that will love you. Fear that your children will be from a broken home, that financially you will not make it. The list goes on and on….
The truth?
You have it inside of you to make it through. You are as strong, and as capable as you want and dare to be. You have possibilities beyond measure, if you only open yourself up to them. The world can be a wonderful place. When you are betrayed, I have learned that it doesn’t say a thing about you. It says plenty about them. I spent years being angry and resentful, but the reality is, that only covers up the pain. Once you feel the pain, you can let it go…
The truth is, the woman that was with my husband when he was married didn’t think very highly of herself, she settled for a married man that cheats on his wife. I’m sure she was told countless lies and I am certain she believed what she wanted to hear to justify her decisions, it’s ok. We all live in denial to protect what we are not ready to know, and at the end of the day I can’t blame someone for wanting to find love, thats why I stayed.
It was and remains the greatest gift that I have been given. A chance to start a new life, one that includes love and respect. A life that now can say has joy and freedom. I won’t say that is all sunshine and rainbows, but it is a far cry from the emotional abuse I used to accept in my marriage. It is amazing to wake up knowing that my choices, my decisions are supported and celebrated. I can say with conviction and with every fiber of my being, that I am happy. That life after betrayal and infidelity can be blessed. You have the choice, make it! You can choose to stay in what is familiar, I did it for 15 years, or you can choose to face the moments of darkness, in exchange for a better place. A healthier you, a world full of hope, happiness and new experiences that you would never have had if you hadn’t made the choice. Choose YOU! Choose BETTER!
Moving on is a process, a work in progress that really hurts along the way. The only thing I can promise is that if you go through the fire, you can come out GOLD….
May you find the light you need in times of darkness, may you always RISE ABOVE…….
Toni
